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CHOOSE THAT POKÉMON!

Prof. Rowan: "This really isn't as difficult as you make it out to be. Stop being a pussy."

"Squirtle squirt?"

Whenever embarking on a Pokémon adventure, the trainer is tasked with choosing a starter Pokémon. Since the beginning, starters have been of three types. They are Grass, Fire, and Water. Starter Pokémon are coveted among Pokémon Masters because they cannot be caught in the wild. This leaves hacking or trading with strangers to get the other ones.

In just twenty-two days, Heart Gold and Soul Silver will grace my DSlite. I plan on trading my collection over to the games because I honestly don’t feel like going through the hassle of evolving and training some of my favorite level 100 Pokémon. There’s just too many memories. That being said, I released a buttload of Pokémon from Pokémon Platinum recently so that I could recapture Pokémon related to the Johto Pokédex.

That still leaves me with the task of choosing the right starter. This part always sucks the most. The Kanto Starters had Squirtle, Charmander, and Bulbasaur; three great Pokémon that evolve into awesome badasses. Hoenn gave us Mudkip, Treecko, and Torchic. Torchic looked like a fucking idiot so I chose Treecko over Mudkip. When I played Pokémon Emerald I chose Mudkip. In Pokémon Platinum I of course chose Piplup. Johto has Chikorita, Totodile, and Cyndaquil for trainers. Where to begin?

DON’T BUG ME, POKÉMON!

Prof. Rowan: “The only good bug-type Pokémon, is a dead bug-type Pokémon!”

Bug-type Pokémon suck. There, I said it. I hate bug-type Pokémon. When I was a young lad in Kanto, there used to be this football sized hornet’s nest resting in our pine tree. I remember seeing the perfect looking stone sitting near our driveway. With boner like confidence, I took said stone in my grasp and vowed to destroy the hornet army. I was practically in my neighbor’s yard when I wound up and fired the stone directly into the hive hole. Before I could see the damage, I was sprinting down the street giggling like a Toxicroak. I think every hornet in that hive stung me. With pinpoint accuracy, the swarm blasted me and I immediately surrendered soaked in piss and tears. Fuck you, bugs.

Really? Get this guy out of my face!

Years later, when I was givin’ my mom the finger and heading off to be a Pokémon Master, I vowed I’d never capture a single bug-type Pokémon. They really don’t do it for me. They’re basically grass-type Pokémon but not nearly as cool. With grass-type you get cool dinosaur looking Pokémon like Bulbasaur, Turtwig, and Treecko. Assholes like Parasect and Shedinja just spook the hell out of me. Hoenn was swarming with Shedinjas.

I consulted my Pokédex and came to the conclusion that out of all the bug-type Pokémon there are three reasonable ones. I’ve decided that once I head back to Johto (Heart Gold/Soul Silver) I will attempt to capture these three dudes and give bug-type Pokémon a second chance.

BAGON WITH YOU!

Prof. Rowan: "A Bagon? Very nice. Tell me, do you value your social life?

So you captured a Bagon? Wow, look at you. Bagon are pretty rare and a real pain in the ass to capture. Pat yourself on the back, dude. If you take a look at your Pokédex you’ll see that once he’s fully evolved he becomes Salamence. I bet you’re totally stoked now! Whelp, toss your free time out the window because evolving this little sucker is going to be like an exploding shotgun shell igniting through your social life! That or a red barrel explosion…

Bagon!

So here we go! Toss him into your Poképarty and start an epic journey to the Resort Area. This is where you’ll be spending the next two weeks so get a glass of Moo Moo Milk (Pokémon joke!) at the local bar and get acquainted with the townies. You’ll need your toughest Pokémon, an experience share, and plenty of meds to revive said tough Pokémon. I’d say your best bet is using a super strong fire-type Pokémon because most of the Pokémon around here are awful grass-types. Gently place your experience share on your Bagon’s little head and put him in the lead party slot.

If you’ve played Pokémon games in the past you know the drill. In battle, your weak Bagon will be tossed into the arena ready for action. Before you attack, switch him out with your roided up fire-type, kill the Pokémon in battle and your Bagon will get double the experience points. Hopefully your Bagon will level up faster. After five or six battles, revive your fire-type and repeat the process.

SHAYMIN YOU, POKÉMON!

Prof. Rowan: "Heard you were looking for Shaymin? Get ready for some REAL bullshit, Son."

Pokémon Diamond and Pearl introduced Shaymin to the Pokémon universe. I remember I had to fuggin hack into my game so I didn’t have to go to a Toys "R" Us like some sort of pedophile to get the stupid invitation to STUPID Seabreak Path to friggen catch this stupid thing! Oh my god what a pain it was. When you get the invitation at your local Pokémart, you learn that Professor Rowan is out on some mountain pass doing research. Prof. Rowan is totally cool by the way. Could totally beat the heck outta’ Oak in a fist fight. After a lot of jibber jabber, he tells you to write something meaningful on a boulder for your mother. I think I wrote “thanks for cleaning my diapers and helping me pay for college!” or something.

Flower Paradise. Sigh....

So after all that nonsense the ground shakes and BOOM Seabreak Path appears and you spend a million years running through fields of flowers. Once you’re done frolicking, you reach Flower Paradise. There lies Shaymin. And what is Shaymin? Shaymin is a moss covered flower hedgehog. Yup. You went through all that for a green hedgehog. You battle him, weaken him, spike a Pokéball at his face and capture him. Now what? Well, if you were lucky enough to play Pokémon Platinum you learn that this idiot has a second form. Is it worth it?