Turbo Boss Battle! Daily Gaming. Daily Exploding Shotgun Shells.

Sorry for SLAKING, guys!!!

Prof. Rowan: "There's no excuse for this. You were just being fucking lazy."

Wowee!!! It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? These past few months have been a roller coaster ride for me. But who cares about that, jazz? It’s Pokémon time!

So, what’s new? A few months ago, CoroCoro released the first ever screenshots of Pokémon Black/White. Like most prerelease pictures, these are probably beta shots. I hope they are at least. The new “3D” aspect of going through cities looks a little bland. Hopefully with the release, the city in this pic will have more life. The new battle mode could be cool if they smooth out the sprites significantly. Again, most likely beta shots. I’m guessing HP gauges and stuff will move to the bottom screen this time around so you can see all of your Pokémon in battle. Cool town! I also love that  Pokémarts will be in Pokémon Centers now. Never understood the point of having two separate shops. There's a lot of talk about cars being used in this game lately. Dunno. Sound ridiculous to me. You’re supposed to be a kid in this game.

But the Pokémon precum doesn’t end there! Pokémon Sunday released the silhouettes of your Pokémon Black/White starters. From the looks of it, I love how weird these starters could be. Usually you get a hint of some sort of animal or reptile with starters. But this trio looks really weird. I can make out a duck creature, a pig creature, and maybe a beaver type creature. You poons are gonna love my thread about choosing starters when this game finally comes out.

Forums and nerd sites have been listing what they want in a new Pokémon game so I’ll throw my hat in the ring and do the Celery Man for you guys.

KEV’S PKMN BLACK/WHITE WISH LIST

1. Let’s cut the crap with all these contests!

Seriously! Beauty contests? Pokémon Olympics? I guess these are fun distractions but why not make a spin off game where you can transfer your Pokémon to do this kind of stuff? We buy Pokémon games to train and battle. If anything, add MORE Battle Frontier competitions. I absolutely love Battle Frontier. It’s merciless and addicting. I think Pokémon could use more of that throughout the game instead of lame ass Pokémon dick sucking contests.

2. Let’s have some awesome villains this time!

To be fair, Team Galactic was pretty badass. Cyrus was a true asshole and his plan to wipe out time and space was pretty cool. Your journey to Distortion World was fun too. But all of that really took full form in Platinum. I watched a Pokémon movie with my younger brother a while back, before the release of HeartGold/SoulSilver and the plot centered around Lugia and the Legendary Birds destroying the planet. There was this insane Pokémon collector riding around in a huge flying battle fortress with laser cannons and stuff trying to capture them all. That’s what I want. I want some crazy ass Roger Moore villains this time around with super crazy Japanese flying submarines and floating strongholds. This is the LAST Pokémon game for the DS so ley’s go out with a bang.

3. Pokémon that don’t suck!

In your quest to catch `em all, you always run into the road block of catching awful looking Pokémon. Idiots like Cherim and Sunflora are Pokémon I’d rather stomp on than catch. I know they’re for the little girls who play these games, but shit, at least have a badass evolution for the rad dudes like me! Platinum only had a few awesome new Pokémon. Hopefully Black/White will step it up a bit.

4. More Dark-Type Pokémon!

I hate when people say something needs to be “darker” for it to be any good. It’s not necessarily true for everything! I don’t want these games to turn into something like The Dark Knight or some shit. It’s fucking Pokémon! But in all honesty, Pokémon could really use more Dark-Type Pokémon. Gotta love these badasses. I’ve been wanting to make a Dark-Type team for a while now, but I’m always hesitant because there aren’t a lot of good ones out there. Let’s see some more ferocious Pokémon like Sharpedo!

5. More rematches. More trainers. Less of a pain in the ass to find them!

I think HeartGold/SoulSilver’s biggest flaw is that it’s too much a pain in the ass to rematch trainers and gym leaders. Having to track down all of the fucking gym leaders at certain times and days of the week is absurd! And even after you find all the gym leaders again, you can ONLY rematch them at a certain day of the week! That’s insane! The phone app was a pain in my ass too. Constantly getting calls from idiot trainers you humiliated ages ago is annoying! If you want to rematch them, you have find them on the map again with an “!” on it. There’s gotta be a better way of doing this. I want to battle tougher opponents but shit… I’m a Pokémon Master now, I shouldn’t have to run around like a headless Pikachu to find these queefs.

6. Keep the Pokéwalker app compatible! PLEASE!

I have a love hate relationship with my Pokéwalker. It’s pretty much a cheap asshole but I’m so addicted to it, it’s outrageous. I really hope they keep this app as part of the Black/White game. Please! New courses, new Pokémon with weird moves, and more items to find! It helps during my commute to my soul crushing job in the morning!

7. Transferring made easy!

Let’s all be honest here! With each new Pokémon game, no one REALLY considers it a “new adventure” in the Pokémon universe. Fuck no! You’re a Pokémon champion traveling the globe to be the best! So let’s cut the shit with pressing the restart button and let us transfer our collection/teams into the new game with ease! I hate having to capture a billion weak Pokémon just so I can trade my team from Platinum over to SoulSilver. I guess it defeats the purpose of Pokémon, but I really don’t have the time to recapture all of these idiots again.

Platinum’s BIGGEST mistake, other than beauty contests, was its insane demand of having you complete the Sinnoh Pokédex before you got your National Pokédex. That pissed me off. Most of us aren’t concerned with completing our Pokédex, we just want to train our Pokémon for battle. My Aggron and Salamence from Pokémon Emerald have seen a lot of bullshit in their time. It’s insulting having to trade them over from Platinum into SoulSilver for some stupid Pidgey and Sentret.

I think if they created some sort of Pokéwalker device that could transfer PC Blocks over, that would be so much easier! Maybe have it locked until you beat your 8^th gym leader or something. I’ve been making a list of Pokémon I absolutely must take over to Black/White. I shouldn’t have too.

8. Less ridiculous Pokéballs!

I’m working on a Pokéball article as I type this so I won’t get into too much detail about this complaint, but in short… Either make Pokéballs that REALLY help or just don’t add any at all! Some of these things are just for show and it drives me insane. Here’s my advice, you only need Ultra Balls, Dusk Balls, Dive Balls, and Quick Balls. The rest you can hang as Christmas tree ornaments.

9. New moves!

New game? New moves? Hopefully we’ll see some unique moves this game. I love updating my teams with new moves. HeartGold/SoulSilver changed some of the moves up win evolution and breeding so I’m hoping we see some really wild move sets this game.

10. A Rival you want to battle.

Red/Blue and Gold/Silver had the best Rivals. They were such assholes to you and you really wanted to beat their asses when you ran into them. The Dutch Boy from Platinum was too much of a nice guy. Having him be your childhood friend and such a stand up kid made it hard for me to put his face into pavement. Emerald… don’t even get me started. The dick in HeartGold/SoulSilver was excellent. He was a real horn smoker and deserved getting stomped. Let’s have someone you can’t wait battle.

This is a Slaking BTW...

About Pokémon Trainer Kev

Kev doesn't have time for Ledybas, Skitties, or Wigglytuffs! Pokémon stands for POCKET-MONSTER and none of those jerks qualify. Garchomp and Aggron? Now we're on the same page! Kev remembers his days in Kanto when having an Alakazam meant you were a force to be reckoned with. He's traveled across the land searching far and wide destroying hapless travelers with his level 100 Venusaur and level 100 Empoleon. Energy ball commin' atcha'! Empoleon, use ICE BEAM!!! He's collected and exiled countless Pokémon; trading his worst to idiot children for their Mudkipz. He herd you leikd them. He's even captured every Legendary Pokémon without using master balls and has logged over 300 hours on Pokémon Platinum. Kev eagerly awaits his return to Johto where he will once again prove that he's the very best. The best there ever was!