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FROM JOHTO WITH LOVE! EPISODE 1

A continuing series about my adventures in Pokémon SoulSilver.

EPISODE 1: Fucking up Falkner

So I arrive in the Johto Region at New Bark Town ready to start my Pokémon adventure. Things have drastically changed since the last time I was here. The graphics are more detailed, there’s more use of sound and weather effects, and there’s more use for your touch screen. Thank god! The game’s aesthetics really shine. They have been drastically polished since Platinum and I was surprised at all the small details. Water looks like water and grass looks like grass. Wow! But in all seriousness it’s a very pretty game. A new feature to these games is the ability to have you mom save money for you as you win battles.

You can decline and be a wasteful greedy fuck or you can play it Wall Street and take advantage of this wise investment. Thanks, mom. Now I can buy beer.

Before I can leave, Lyra, the hot trick next door, bumps into me with her gay looking Marill. She’s pretty boner so it’s cool. She tells me that she admires my spirit and blah blahbbahlaablaabhhh all you really care about is getting your Starter Pokémon!!! I shove her aside after getting her number, yes you get a cell phone in the game, and head over to Professor Elm’s lab. Before I barge in and start demanding Pokémon, I notice some ginger looking fuck by the window. I kindly inquire what his deal is and the cocksucker tells me to fuck off. Great, I guess that shit eater is my rival.

Prof. Elm: "I'll take if from here, Professor Rowan."

Prof. Rowan: "........... Think again, asshole."

Professor Elm is a neurotic loner who looks like he could use a good fucking. Bumbling about the lab he gives me the rundown about badges and shit. You know this already! You wouldn’t be reading this article if you didn’t know what Pokémon was! I grab Elm by his lab coat and demand my fucking starter Pokémon. I don’t have time for this yippity yap bullshit. Quivering, he shows me to his Pokémon incubator… thing… machine. I start scanning through. If you read my article about Starter Pokémon, you’ll know that I already had Totodile in mind. What’s this? A female Totodile?!

Hold on…

Allow me to explain this stroke of good luck. Female Starter Pokémon are extremely rare. 87.5% Male. 12.5% Female. The creators of Pokémon want to make it as hard as possible for you to breed starters. You could say having a Ditto makes this all irrelevant but I say if you’re using a Ditto in an argument you might as well slit your throat. Anyway, I got a female Totodile. Woo! What’s cooler? Pokémon in this game can walk beside you! Awesome!

I was almost an asshole (shocking!) and named her Bitch. Thinking back I should’ve. It really would’ve made for some funny in game moments. BITCH! Use Ice Beam! I thank the professor and ready myself for my latest Pokémon adventure. Oh wait… he wants me to run an errand for him at Cherrygrove City… derp!

ROUTE 29

So I start off heading west through Route 29. I get the same welcoming committee in every Pokémon game; a slew of weak Pokémon. I’m playing SoulSilver so I miss out on shitty Caterpie, dumb Spinark and badass Growlithe. I instead get Weedles, awful Ledybas and cool Vulpix. I really wish Pokémon games would allow you to run into cooler Pokémon at the start. Ruby and Saphire did. They were mostly first form Pokémon but if you stuck with them, they’d evolve into some awesomely powerful Pokémon.

After running around the grass I bump into some Pidgey. I reluctantly catch one and I also catch a dumb Sentret. I quickly race to Cherrygrove City to put my secret plan into action.

CHERRYGROVE CITY

This really isn’t a city. It’s more like a town. Whatever. No gym so I can’t battle anyone yet. Thank god because I only have a weak Totodile, a Pidgey, and a Sentret. I bust into the Pokémon Center and start a trade upstairs. I trade my Pidgey and Sentret over to Pokémon Platinum and trade over Chikorita and Cyndaquil. Nice! So now I have all the basic starters from SoulSilver. The only downside is that they won’t obey me until later. Thank Christ I traded over an experience share.

After checking out the locals and getting my running shoes I complete my errand for Prof. Elm (Mr. Pokémon gives you a mystery egg) and head back to New Fart Town.

Nash. My rival.

MY RIVAL

Before I can make it through Route 29, my Rival bumps into me and immediately starts giving me shit. Fuck him. I challenge this prick to a Pokémon Battle and it’s on. Since I chose Totodile, he chose/stole Chikorita. Ass. Grass is very powerful against water-type Pokémon but right now our starters only have basic movies like Tackle. After our Pokémon beat the shit out of each other, I come out on top and swiftly give him the finger. We exchange some obscenities and go our separate ways. What a dick.

VIOLET CITY

At Violet City you’ll engage in your first Pokémon Gym Leader battle. Not until you scale the awful Sprout Tower. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sprout Tower is full of monks who only have Bellsprouts as Pokémon. They’re weak and stupid but battling them will help you level up your starter. As dumb as this place looks, you must reach the top and defeat the master monk before you can set foot in Violet City’s gym.

Falkner "The Elegant Master of Flying Pokémon"

VIOLET GYM LEADER FALKNER

Here it is. My first Gym Leader battle. Are you nervous? Don’t be! He’s extremely easy! If you lose to him, you should consider drowning your Pikachu and give up on being a Pokémon Master. Falkner uses flying-type Pokémon. Rock and electric type Pokémon are the best to use here. I have neither. There are two other trainers you need to battle to reach Falkner. They’re just as easy so don’t sweat it.

Falkner dresses like some sort of gay samurai. It’s hard to take him seriously. He tosses out a Lv. 9 Pidgey. What? Is he for real? Dead. I killed his Pidgey with a one hit K.O. Shocked he spikes his final Pokémon at me. A fucking Lv. 13 Pidgeotto? I laugh in his face and basically leave it in the hands of my Totodile. Dead. I kicked its ass.

After Falkner accepts his pathetic defeat, he hands me my first badge. The Zephyr Badge is mine. Before I bail I tell him he dresses like a woman and if he ever plans on getting any pussy in the near future, he best consult a tailor. I’m out!

So that concludes my first Pokémon Gym Battle. Tune in next week when I take on my second Gym Leader. Hopefully he/she is more well equipped than this idiot was. See ya next time!

CURRENT JOHTO TEAM:

Totodile / Cyndaquil / Chikorita

About Pokémon Trainer Kev

Kev doesn't have time for Ledybas, Skitties, or Wigglytuffs! Pokémon stands for POCKET-MONSTER and none of those jerks qualify. Garchomp and Aggron? Now we're on the same page! Kev remembers his days in Kanto when having an Alakazam meant you were a force to be reckoned with. He's traveled across the land searching far and wide destroying hapless travelers with his level 100 Venusaur and level 100 Empoleon. Energy ball commin' atcha'! Empoleon, use ICE BEAM!!! He's collected and exiled countless Pokémon; trading his worst to idiot children for their Mudkipz. He herd you leikd them. He's even captured every Legendary Pokémon without using master balls and has logged over 300 hours on Pokémon Platinum. Kev eagerly awaits his return to Johto where he will once again prove that he's the very best. The best there ever was!